ECT
by silvermissstt
Summary: Oneshot. Dan struggles with himself and what he should be feeling in regards to Diana's new treatment. Set after she receives the ECT, but before she gains her memories back.


"And every day, this act we act gets more and more absurd."

Dan didn't want Diana to remember again, because the fact that she'd forgotten it with the ECT was a blessing in disguise. She was lucky. She didn't know the pain. She didn't have to wake up every morning with her heart in her throat and feel as if like something huge was missing, not knowing what it was, until harsh reality hit. Not remembering Gabe was a gift he wished he could've been given. The pain was still as fresh now as it's been the day he died.

Dan didn't want Diana to remember again, because the fact that he remembered was more than enough for the pair of them. After Gabe... after he'd... _after_ , Diana had lost everything. Dan's once happy, carefree wife now lived her days consumed with depression. And then her delusions had begun. At first, he thought it was just a side effect of the medication she'd been put on after losing Gabe. So, they agreed that she would go off the meds and work through her grief in a way that wasn't charged through chemicals. Then the delusions had only gotten worse, and Diana would spend the better part of the day completely out of it, and they both knew it wasn't the medicine that was the issue. Then, the diagnosis: bipolar depressive with delusional episodes. A label that would come to define the rest of their lives.

No, it wasn't the medication that was the issue. The medication kept her delusions at bay, kept her saner, kept her with him. Of course, they'd never been truly at bay over the past sixteen years. She had her good and bad days, her good and bad weeks, her good and bad months. Dan wouldn't say she'd ever really had a good year, though. At some point or another, the regimen would stop being effective and if was off to another doctor. Nothing had ever worked long enough to give them their lives back. Diana could even have a perfectly good, lucid afternoon, and then by evening, Gabe would appear again.

The hypnosis had been the closest they'd gotten to a treatment that worked until the ECT, but even that high wore off after a few weeks. Diana had even come home and asked to sort through Gabe's belongings, try to move on, try to let go of that part of their past. Dan had been so hopeful that afternoon - this was a huge step - and then just an hour and a half later, he'd found his wife unconscious and with razor wounds on her wrists. She'd tried to kill herself.

Dr. Madden let him know that ECT was really the best solution. He'd been so hesitant - shock therapy sounded plain tortuous. But he knew their days were numbered. Letting Diana go home untreated wasn't an option. The suicidal ideation was still there. Even in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, she'd tried to cut herself with whatever she could get her hands on. She'd had to be sedated. So, he'd pushed for the ECT. It was archaic and not what he wanted, but they didn't have the time to wait for Diana to come around on her own. He'd waited sixteen years for that to happen, and it hadn't.

But now, Diana didn't remember anything of the past nineteen years. Which was both a blessing and a curse. He was so glad she didn't remember Gabe, because that was the thing that had pushed her over the edge in the first place. For the first time in ages, she seemed peaceful. Happy. Calm. Like she actually had a handle on her life again. The delusions were gone. Granted, so were the memories - especially those of Natalie's entire life - but it was better than living each day in fear of his own son. Maybe now he could grieve properly.

Only, he was terrified that Gabe would find some way to come back. Diana was up all the time now, searching constantly for the missing puzzle pieces. She kept saying to Dan that something was missing, something big. He always tried to brush it off, telling her that if the memories were meant to be, they'd come back. He hated that he had to hide Gabe from his wife, but their son had consumed their lives for sixteen years. He'd lived in fear of him for years now. Diana had lost everything because of him. He found it hard to even muster up any love for him, which was so... so completely _fucked_. How couldn't he love Gabe? He'd only been eight months old when he died. It wasn't his fault that the doctors had failed to find out what was wrong with him. But still, Dan couldn't find it in himself to feel anything but anger towards Gabe. He'd not only lost a son that fateful day, but a wife, as well. Diana had never been the same.

The ECT gave them all a chance to rewrite history. Maybe Natalie could finally have the mother she'd always deserved now. Maybe Diana could become the same woman she'd once been. Maybe their marriage could flourish. Maybe they could all come together and move on.

He just hoped Gabe stayed away.


End file.
